Foster care is not at all meant to make your life more difficult. While there are expectations of care levels and nurture, the foster care system understands that foster parents are providing a service. The ultimate goal of foster care being reunification, foster parents are caring for children often for an interim period. With this, the system should be there as a support for any roadblocks that hinder the care of a foster child. 

One such roadblock for a foster parent with a full-time job may be childcare. The great news is that the state will often pay for childcare for foster children. Adoption.org addresses this issue stating, “Reimbursement is offered to cover the cost of daycare up to a state-allotted rate. This rate is typically what a daycare provider would earn if a child comes from a family who receives income-based assistance. However, child care assistance is provided for foster families and their foster children regardless of the family’s income.”

The second roadblock for a foster parent who works full-time may be worry that they have enough time to care for a child. While this fear is valid, it is important to note that it is better for a child to have some time within a home than be without a safe home. Foster children may come from situations where they require more attention, however, they should be treated like other children. Foster parent Caroline Bailey detailed her journey here as she talked about being a full-time working foster mom to a newborn, including tips to help anyone through the journey. Just like a parent of biological children might work full-time, there is no requirement for a foster parent to stay home. 

The post Can I Have A Full-Time Job And Be A Foster Parent? appeared first on Foster Care | Adoption, Becoming a Foster Parent, Adopt a Child.

Let me give you an example. One day, my wife came home exhausted and almost in tears. On that day, she had seen nine newborns arrive into the system. Just so you understand, these are nine newborns arriving into the foster care system but not necessary into foster homes. It is important to understand what happens when a child is removed from their home. Usually, the child arrives in a receiving area or office. In the city we lived in at the time, it happened to be a place called SafePlace, which is operated in partnership with a local church. Those children are not allowed to stay there. They must be placed somewhere, either in foster homes or somewhere else. On this day, of the nine babies, only four made it to a foster home. The other five had to be placed in a group home until they could be placed. I hope you can understand the emotional roller coaster of a day like this.

This is just one story, one day of the life of those involved in the foster care process. But days like this play out again and again in our country. In many areas of the country, there are more foster kids entering the system than there are foster parents willing to take them in. What invariably happens is those foster parents are called on to take in more children. In other cases, foster kids are placed in group homes, where they are looked after by employees working shifts round the clock. As tirelessly as these group homes work to look after these children, it is not the ideal situation.

In our society today, we are looking at an ever-increasing problem, many children coming into a system without enough loving foster parents available. Without enough people willing to take that leap of faith, who will provide the safe space these children need during one of the most difficult times of their lives? The result can be seen throughout our country. Foster kids today who don’t fall in to the right foster and adoptive families often end up aging out of the system. These kids often become adults ill equipped to move into adulthood successfully. This can sometimes mean homelessness, jail time, or worse. Of course, not all foster kids end up in these situations. We have all heard the courageous stories of kids who have come out of the foster care system to great success in their lives. But the reason they often make the news is because it doesn’t happen enough to not be newsworthy. 

Look, I get it. Not everyone can be a foster parent, just like not everyone can play football or fly to the moon. We all have our strengths and abilities. But if you want to know why you should consider helping a foster child, consider this. What if that foster child had been you? You may have grown up in a wonderful family, but we don’t get to pick our biological parents. These foster children were put into this situation through no fault of their own. If that had been you, wouldn’t you want someone, anyone, to step up? Wouldn’t you have wanted a safe, loving place to lay your head at night?

Here’s something else to think about: In this country, we expect our government to be there for us. We expect the government to be that safety net for those in need. But the reality is that if we want our neighborhoods to be safe, happy, and successful, we all need to step up. As we speak right now, there is a good possibility that somewhere near you, a child is being removed from their home. Your community may or may not have a place for that child. When you lay your head down at night, do you want to feel like you have done something that will outlive you? Do you want to know that you did something you can proudly tell your grandchildren, an incredible selfless act that made a difference in someone else’s life?

Yeah….

Me too…

The post Why You Need to Consider Helping Foster Kids appeared first on Foster Care | Adoption, Becoming a Foster Parent, Adopt a Child.

Help Your Foster Kids Be Themselves

Kids in foster care often come with a lot of behavioral issues because of the life they’ve already lived. They are taught not to do this or that because it’s not appropriate. It can be difficult for these kids to know how to act or how to “be themselves” in the right way. Foster parents can help them learn this important skill.

Give your foster children choices as often as possible. Ask them what foods they like, what clothes they like to wear, and what TV shows they like to watch. They may not always make appropriate decisions, so you might want to limit their options to two or three of your choosing. On the other hand, will it really hurt if they wear plaids and stripes to school one day or if they eat macaroni and cheese for breakfast?

You might get the answer “I don’t know” when asking for their choices on certain subjects. Some kids are afraid to make their wishes known while others may not have developed a preference. You can use this opportunity to help them get to know who they are by talking about their options. Be careful that you don’t say anything to show your preference because it may cause them to choose what they think you want to hear.

Instead of saying “I like red” when discussing whether to wear a red or blue dress to school, you can mention how blue is the color of the sky and red is the color of flowers. This tells them that both colors are good, so it’s up to them for what they like.

Help Your Foster Kids Fit In

Foster care is viewed as a temporary situation even when the child is in care for years. Because it is temporary, many kids feel like they never belong anywhere or fit in. This situation can hamper their emotional development and cause irreparable damage. However, foster parents can provide a sense of permanency and belonging even in a temporary situation. 

Include the foster child in family events. Take them along to meet your parents, grandparents and cousins. Make them part of your birthday and Christmas celebrations. Celebrate their birthday in ways similar to how you celebrate yours, your spouse’s, and other kids you have. It will help them feel like part of the family. 

Get them involved in activities just for them. Sign them up for gymnastics, soccer, or basketball. If they don’t have an interest, or you don’t know what they’re good at, try different things. Having their own activity will help them to feel “normal,” like other kids. They will develop skills in something they enjoy, which will give them more confidence. They will also build friendships with others who are in the same activity. They are all a bunch of soccer players or gymnasts rather than being just foster kids. This helps them to establish their own identity which is not built on their life situation and to be part of a group where they can feel like they belong.

Even though it’s difficult for foster kids to learn how to fit in and to be themselves, foster parents can make this transition period a little easier. They should be aware of the issues and find unique ways to solve them so the kids can learn who they are and become part of a group where they belong.

The post How to Help Your Foster Kids Be Themselves & Fit In appeared first on Foster Care | Adoption, Becoming a Foster Parent, Adopt a Child.

1. Foster kids are just kids.

Foster kids want what any other kid wants: to be loved, accepted, and safe. Due to their past trauma they may find it difficult to trust, and act out in ways that say they don’t want to be loved. It takes more work to bond with a child from foster care, but it is worth it. It’s important to listen to a child’s full report and all the child’s needs before accepting a placement.

2. Foster kids have a propensity to be more emotional.

They are generally behind in their emotional growth due to neglect, abuse, and substance abuse. It’s important to nurture them at their emotional level and not at their chronological age. That includes going to the extremes to make sure their emotional needs are met. That could mean more holding, carrying, cuddling. It may even go as far as hand feeding, or bottle feeding, your 10-year-old. If the emotional needs were unmet as an infant or toddler, it can be vital to their emotional health to receive that nurturing now.

3. Some foster kids come with higher needs and more diagnoses.

It’s not always easy to parent children from foster care. You will know your limits, and it’s very important to see the whole picture. You’ll want to consider the services that are offered in your area, or in some cases, consider moving to another area to serve your child’s needs.

4. Sometimes it’s just not possible to parent.

There are times that no matter how much you love a child, no matter how much counseling or interventions, it just won’t be possible to parent them in your home. When it becomes unsafe for other members of the family, or themselves, it may be necessary to find other living solutions for a child. While this seems unfathomable, it may be the best thing you can do for your child. 

5. It takes time to adjust.

And sometimes it means that you need to adjust to meet them, not the other way around. I was originally very resistant to changing myself to accommodate a child, but with time, I’ve learned that not only is it necessary, it’s a wonderful challenge. I have learned to accept them where they are. I believe that while I still make mistakes, I am becoming a better parent.

Adopting children with a history of trauma can be extremely challenging. But it is also a wonderfully rewarding process as well. While my children are young, and I may someday change my mind, I hope to give them the tools that they need to succeed and exceed all the expectations put upon them. There is no magic wand, but we have committed to do whatever we can, for all our children to be the most successful version of themselves.

The post Top 5 Facts about Foster Kids appeared first on Foster Care | Adoption, Becoming a Foster Parent, Adopt a Child.

Here are some of the essential things your foster child will expect from you.

1. Safety

I remember when my oldest came to us. She was 2 ½ years old. The first time the doorbell rang in our house, she ran to me, grabbing on to my leg for dear life. She was terrified. I speculated that in her prior living arrangement, people appearing at the door was not usually a good thing. The same thing happened when our case worker paid her first visit. Again, she grabbed me and wouldn’t let go. We realized she thought the case worker was going to take her away.

Foster kids, above anything else, need to feel safe. These children come from difficult situations, where safety is not guaranteed. They were just pulled away from the only family they knew. Many of these children have a hard time trusting adults. After all, adults have let them down, so why trust them? It will be your job to be that one place that they can consider safe. Be that safe place for them to lay their heads, and you will have done a wonderful thing for them.

2. Love

While this one can seem obvious, it does need some discussion. Love is an action word. It requires action on your part. The people who are supposed to love these kids the most are no longer around. So, don’t be fooled into thinking that saying I love you is enough. They have heard it before, and yet here they are in a strange place, with people they don’t know. It will take time. You will need to build trust, and they will test you. They are going to want to be sure that your actions are real, that the love they see in your home is not some phony love that will disappear, only to crush them once again.

3. Understanding

4. Persistence

This is such an important one. I didn’t realize the fight I was in until the day I became a foster dad, and now an adoptive dad. Foster kids have lost their family. They have lost their mom and their dad. Think about when you were young. Remember how much you looked to your mom and dad for everything? Yeah, these kids don’t have that. But they do have you. And you will have to be persistent. You will need to be their fiercest advocate. When they need to see their biological family, you will persist to make sure it happens. When they need to see a doctor, and no one can find their medical records, you will persist to make it happen. When the courts say something, or are looking to make a decision you know is not right, you will stand up and persist to make sure these kids are well represented.

I hope my words help. I can tell you, everything I write here are things I have lived through. I cannot tell you that being a foster and adoptive parent is easy. But I shudder to think what would have happened if I had not answered the call. Where would my kids be today? I can thank God that I don’t have to answer that question.  

The post 4 Things a Foster Child Wants from His/Her Foster Parents appeared first on Foster Care | Adoption, Becoming a Foster Parent, Adopt a Child.

Saying no is just as emotional as saying yes.

Nothing can prepare you for the first call you receive for placement. I vividly remember the moment my phone rang. On the other line, our homefinder gives me the most mundane scenario you have ever heard.

“Her Mom is about to have a C-Section, and she needs help caring for her daughter this week. There is no other family.”

I was leaving the next day for vacation and the child’s mother didn’t want her to go out of state. I had to say no. I cried for two days, not to mention the heavy breathing and the panic attack. Why? She wasn’t abused or neglected, her mother just needed help? I was still a wreck!

Since then, I can tell you exactly where I was standing when I have to say no to a placement. Every time I wonder if I am turning down my future child. The “coulda, shoulda, woulda’s” are unbearable, but sometimes the timing is off or the situation isn’t feasible for our family. Saying yes is hard, but saying no is harder.

The first week is the toughest.

Getting to know a new member of your family and understanding their individual needs can make the first week seem like a whirlwind. Not to mention the doctor appointments, dentists, eye doctor, placement visits, clothing vouchers, agency visits, medical record transfers, WIC appointments; and the list goes on and on.

Make sure to slow down, and take time to realize that bonding with your child is more important than everything that we just mentioned. Learn bonding techniques for infants. Rock your toddler to sleep a few times. Take your teenager for ice cream if you have the chance. Whatever you do, remember that next week will probably not be as demanding as the first week

Foster parenting is truly a community service.

I remember being deep into my first placement and the thought repeatedly came into my mind, “But what about how I feel?”

There are many emotions and feelings in this walk of life, but keep in mind that our main priority is the child. Some days we may do things that we don’t want to do, but we do it because are serving the children. In serving the children, we are making a difference in the future of our community!

The post What I Wish I Had Known Before I Started Foster Parenting appeared first on Foster Care | Adoption, Becoming a Foster Parent, Adopt a Child.

1.) Donating your gently used (or new) clothes and toys. Sometimes kids come into care with nothing but the clothes on their backs. You can reach out to your local office or a specific family you know who fosters and see if they’re in need of your gently used children’s and even adult sized clothing or toys. Also, check in around holidays and back to school time to see if there are any specific needs you can fill.

2.) Don’t ask stupid questions. Now, I know this might be obvious, but honestly, we get so many intrusive and offensive questions. If people just didn’t ask them, that would be a huge support! You don’t need to know the child’s story. It’s not ours to tell, and you just make it awkward by asking. The worst I’ve gotten was when someone came up to me and a child old enough to understand the question and asked, “Yours or adopted?” I was floored. Please don’t do that! And encourage others not to as well.

3.) Contact your legislatures. Ask any foster parent or social worker in just about any county and any state and more than likely they’ll tell you that there’s a whole lot more we could be doing to protect kids in care. When new legislation comes up that impacts kids in care, ask those around you who do foster how it will impact the kids in their care, and make calls and write letters in support of those children.

4.) Bring tea. Or coffee, but just be there. When you know someone who does foster care and suddenly they look hollow and worn, understand that they can’t tell you about it and that you can’t fix it. But be there. Don’t turn your back on them because they’ve changed, bring them a large cup of tea and an understanding companion.

5.) Include the children. Even if it’s Christmas day and your sister who fosters texts you saying to expect one more child, run out and buy them a gift. Usually the situation will be less extreme, just make sure they’re included in whatever you’re doing. Remember that family get-togethers, holidays, and birthday celebrations are already difficult for kids in care, don’t make it worse for them by making them feel even more left out.

6.) Remember that our parenting may need to look different, and respect that. Different children have different needs, and the way we need to parent looks different. To you we may look like we’re being too lax or too strict, please trust that we know this particular child and their needs better than you do. 

7.) Ask what you can do. Adjusting to life with a new family member can be overwhelming, see what you can do to be of assistance. Can you mow the grass? Can you do a load of laundry? Can bring over a hot meal? Do what you can to be a support.

8.) Donate your time and talents. Together We Rise is an amazing program to get involved with. You can host an event to pack sweet cases or birthday boxes, build bikes or skateboards, or even volunteer your photography skills to new forever families. You could go through an organization like this, or contact your local office to learn what similar needs you could fill in your area.

9.) Become a CASA. CASAs, or court appointed special advocates are volunteers who follow a child’s case and help advocate for them in the court system. You can learn more here.

10.) Donate your old luggage to foster families instead of dropping it off at your local massive resale shop. Too many kids have to travel from home to home with nothing more than a trash bag, the message this sends is chilling: your things are garbage and so are you, you don’t deserve any better than the rubbish we toss out does. Our children deserve better than this, and the answer is such a simple fix.

The post What You Can Do To Help If Being A Foster Parent Isn’t Right For You appeared first on Foster Care | Adoption, Becoming a Foster Parent, Adopt a Child.

Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I said that one! For years I was truly convinced that this was a legitimate and caring reason to not do foster care. I wouldn’t want to get attached to a child and have my heartbroken over and over again. I felt so noble and justified with my big heart and loving personality. What I never stopped to think about was that I don’t corner the market on big heartedness, and moreover, that getting attached is exactly what makes a good foster parent.

Of course we get attached; it’s human nature. And that’s a good thing. It means we care, it means we love, it means we’re invested in these children. And that’s exactly what these kids need, someone to get attached, to fight for them, to love them, and to cry when they leave. Yes, it hurts, of course it hurts. But it hurts them, too. Can you imagine being in the child’s place?

Don’t you think they’re attached to their birth family? Don’t you think they get attached to you and your family, too? That’s what really altered my perspective on this: realizing that the children don’t get a say in any of this, they have no control over leaving their birth family and coming into my home, and they have no say over leaving my home either. Yet they get attached, too. And if I’m really noble, if I really have a big heart, shouldn’t I value what they’re feeling over what I’m feeling? I am the adult, after all.

That was a tough pill for me to swallow, but once I did, I was able to better embrace being a foster mom. A foster mom who gets invested. A foster mom who loves every child that walks in that front door. And, yes, a foster mom who gets attached every single time. If you walked into my living room right now you would see a framed photo of every child we’ve had in care. We will always love them, we will always care about them, and we will always be attached. That’s what love does.

And part of loving someone, really, truly, loving them, is wanting the best for them. And oftentimes, what’s best for these children who will always hold a piece of our hearts, is their birth family. Understanding that doesn’t make it easy, I don’t think saying goodbye to someone you love ever gets easy. We need to love them enough to say goodbye–enough to know that even though it hurts, it really is what’s best for them. 

The wonderful thing about having a big heart is that there’s always more love to go around. Yes, you’ll get attached, and so will they. They’ll take a piece of you, and leave a little piece of themselves. You’ll never forget them, and you will always love them. And that’s good, because the alternative is keeping your whole heart to yourself, never sharing it, never knowing a child you will come to love, never putting yourself out there to get hurt through selfless love.

And, that is pretty lame.

The post Why Being Afraid Of Getting Attached Is A Lame Excuse To Not Be A Foster Parent appeared first on Foster Care | Adoption, Becoming a Foster Parent, Adopt a Child.

When my wife and I made the decision to be foster parents, there were obviously lots of questions. One of those questions was how to deal with the possibility that the children we bring into our home would look nothing like us. There was no way we were going to say no to a child in need based on race, gender, or ethnicity. So, we had to come to grips with parenting children who would most likely have different customs and traits. We would also have to deal with the obvious questions and inquiries, sometimes from complete strangers, that would surely come our way.

My wife and I are white. Our adopted daughters are black. We quickly realized there was no one handbook on interracial fostering or adopting. Yes, there are quite a few books and resources on the subject, but much of this we just had to handle on our own. Along the way, we learned a few things. Hopefully, our experiences can help you in this journey.

People will stare.

It will happen. You will walk into a restaurant or a party, and will feel like all eyes are on you. At first, it will be difficult on you. You may feel uncomfortable or even angry. My advice is to just relax. Most people stare not for malicious reasons, but just because they are curious. I can tell you that today, three years after we brought our daughters homes, I hardly even notice it anymore. If someone is staring too much, try this. Stare back! After a moment, smile and say, “I’m sorry have we met before?” Most people will feel ashamed and either look away, or just say hello and start a conversation.

You will need to learn about another culture.

There are things you will just have to learn. For example, our girls’ hair is much different than ours. So, at first, we had no idea how to deal with it. Over time, my wife became more and more adept at washing and braiding their hair. This is just one example. It is very important for your foster kids to feel like they are normal. So, work on making sure they don’t lose the customs they are used to.

Racism exists.

This is a difficult subject, and I will try to avoid any controversial points here. But just know that although our country has come very far in eliminating the prejudices of the past, there are still those that just don’t get it. You may be looked down upon by those who don’t agree that races should mix. You will need to be strong, and know when to stand your ground at times. But you will also have to know when to use this as an opportunity to educate. Remember that racism, in many cases, is a product of ignorance, and we can be a positive example to the rest of our community. 

You may encounter resentment from the biological family because of your race.

Understand that there is probably a lot going on in the bio family to cause a removal. Add to that knowing their children are being taken care of by a family that is not like their own. You may or may not have direct contact with the bio family, but this could make it more difficult to deal with getting information you need to help parent the children. You will need to be patient. The bio family needs to understand you are not the enemy here. You are here to help these children heal. Anything you can do to communicate this would be a good thing.

We have learned a lot in the time our daughters have been with us. Much of what we learned has caused us to make changes in our own thinking. For one, it has caused me to look at our world a little differently. There are things I now understand about the African American race I did not understand before. I also tend to give people the benefit of the doubt more. When I walk into a public place with my family and people stare, I am no longer upset. In fact, sometimes I chuckle inside. I know the family I have is something special. I know our place in the world is to educate, and I hope to show my girls that our diversity is something to be proud of, so that they can be a shining light in our society for years to come.

Being a foster parent is not an easy task. But boy is it ever an important one. Don’t let issues of race stop you. I would not have changed one moment of the last three years. There is a child waiting right now for a loving home to call their own.

Will yours be the next forever home?

The post What You Need To Know About Transracial Foster Parenting appeared first on Foster Care | Adoption, Becoming a Foster Parent, Adopt a Child.

Awkward!

That is my first thought whenever I hear that question. The answer to the question is–well–yes and no. No, we do not receive a salary. We are not employees, and foster parents are not profiting from taking in foster children. To any would be foster parents, I can tell you that you should strike that thinking from your mind before you begin.

However, the reality is that most foster parents, depending on the state you live in, do receive monetary support. Many people outside of foster care may not realize a few things, so I will try to explain. Children who are removed from their homes, whether they go to a foster home or a group home of some kind, are legally considered wards of the state. That means, among other things, that the state is required to provide the support these children need. Placing these children in a foster home does not alleviate the state’s responsibility for care, so the state will normally provide what is called a stipend to the foster family to help with the cost of providing their daily needs.

So, what is included in this support? Every state is different. However, below are some points to consider with regards to stipends and support for foster parents:

•        A monthly stipend is intended to help feed, clothe, and otherwise support your foster child. This amount usually is not enough to cover all expenses, but is there to help.
•        Children with special needs or who require special medical attention can qualify for a higher stipend. This is to assist with travel expenses to the doctor, time away from work, and other issues related to their care.
•        Some states also offer back to school stipends, which is an extra amount given to the foster parents to purchase clothes and school supplies.
•        If you are connected to a private foster care agency, they may also provide some assistance. In many cases, it is not monetary but rather donations or gifts to help with your child’s care.
•        Foster parents are usually required to provide proof of income, and must be able to provide care for the foster care child without the assistance of the stipend if necessary.

So, I know what you are thinking and are afraid to ask, so I will address it now. What stops foster parents from taking in a bunch of children, pocketing the stipend and not using it on the children? Well, keep in mind that caseworkers are required to visit the children on a regular basis. Their job is to make sure the children are in a loving environment and are being cared for. In addition, many children are assigned a Guardian ad litem. Their job is to be the child’s voice to the court. So, they must also visit the child and report to the court on the child’s welfare.

So now that that’s out of the way, let’s be real. My wife and I met many foster parents in our journey. I never met a foster parent who looked at the stipend as a salary or a way to profit. The journey of a foster parent is unlike any other type of parent. Not only do we provide a loving home for one or more children, we are also their voice in the foster care system. This system includes health professionals, case workers, biological parents, judges, attorneys, and more. We go to judicial hearings. We go to parental visits. We go to doctor’s visits. The parking, gas, and wear and tear to our cars alone eats up more than most stipends. Add to that the vacation time from work and you can see how easily the expenses add up.

Am I complaining? Of course not! I can tell you that the day we met our children, we were forever in love with them. We knew that no matter what the cost, what the sacrifice, we would fight for them as much and as long as they needed. In the weeks and months to come, we knew that whether they were re-united with their biological family, or stayed with us, nothing would stop us from taking advantage of every day we had with them. And surely, money was not going to stop us.

So I have a question for you. Now you know the answer to that awkward question. How will you respond? Will you open your heart and home to a child in need?

I hope so.

The post Do Foster Parents Get Paid? appeared first on Foster Care | Adoption, Becoming a Foster Parent, Adopt a Child.