Let me give you an example. One day, my wife came home exhausted and almost in tears. On that day, she had seen nine newborns arrive into the system. Just so you understand, these are nine newborns arriving into the foster care system but not necessary into foster homes. It is important to understand what happens when a child is removed from their home. Usually, the child arrives in a receiving area or office. In the city we lived in at the time, it happened to be a place called SafePlace, which is operated in partnership with a local church. Those children are not allowed to stay there. They must be placed somewhere, either in foster homes or somewhere else. On this day, of the nine babies, only four made it to a foster home. The other five had to be placed in a group home until they could be placed. I hope you can understand the emotional roller coaster of a day like this.

This is just one story, one day of the life of those involved in the foster care process. But days like this play out again and again in our country. In many areas of the country, there are more foster kids entering the system than there are foster parents willing to take them in. What invariably happens is those foster parents are called on to take in more children. In other cases, foster kids are placed in group homes, where they are looked after by employees working shifts round the clock. As tirelessly as these group homes work to look after these children, it is not the ideal situation.

In our society today, we are looking at an ever-increasing problem, many children coming into a system without enough loving foster parents available. Without enough people willing to take that leap of faith, who will provide the safe space these children need during one of the most difficult times of their lives? The result can be seen throughout our country. Foster kids today who don’t fall in to the right foster and adoptive families often end up aging out of the system. These kids often become adults ill equipped to move into adulthood successfully. This can sometimes mean homelessness, jail time, or worse. Of course, not all foster kids end up in these situations. We have all heard the courageous stories of kids who have come out of the foster care system to great success in their lives. But the reason they often make the news is because it doesn’t happen enough to not be newsworthy. 

Look, I get it. Not everyone can be a foster parent, just like not everyone can play football or fly to the moon. We all have our strengths and abilities. But if you want to know why you should consider helping a foster child, consider this. What if that foster child had been you? You may have grown up in a wonderful family, but we don’t get to pick our biological parents. These foster children were put into this situation through no fault of their own. If that had been you, wouldn’t you want someone, anyone, to step up? Wouldn’t you have wanted a safe, loving place to lay your head at night?

Here’s something else to think about: In this country, we expect our government to be there for us. We expect the government to be that safety net for those in need. But the reality is that if we want our neighborhoods to be safe, happy, and successful, we all need to step up. As we speak right now, there is a good possibility that somewhere near you, a child is being removed from their home. Your community may or may not have a place for that child. When you lay your head down at night, do you want to feel like you have done something that will outlive you? Do you want to know that you did something you can proudly tell your grandchildren, an incredible selfless act that made a difference in someone else’s life?

Yeah….

Me too…

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Here are some of the essential things your foster child will expect from you.

1. Safety

I remember when my oldest came to us. She was 2 ½ years old. The first time the doorbell rang in our house, she ran to me, grabbing on to my leg for dear life. She was terrified. I speculated that in her prior living arrangement, people appearing at the door was not usually a good thing. The same thing happened when our case worker paid her first visit. Again, she grabbed me and wouldn’t let go. We realized she thought the case worker was going to take her away.

Foster kids, above anything else, need to feel safe. These children come from difficult situations, where safety is not guaranteed. They were just pulled away from the only family they knew. Many of these children have a hard time trusting adults. After all, adults have let them down, so why trust them? It will be your job to be that one place that they can consider safe. Be that safe place for them to lay their heads, and you will have done a wonderful thing for them.

2. Love

While this one can seem obvious, it does need some discussion. Love is an action word. It requires action on your part. The people who are supposed to love these kids the most are no longer around. So, don’t be fooled into thinking that saying I love you is enough. They have heard it before, and yet here they are in a strange place, with people they don’t know. It will take time. You will need to build trust, and they will test you. They are going to want to be sure that your actions are real, that the love they see in your home is not some phony love that will disappear, only to crush them once again.

3. Understanding

4. Persistence

This is such an important one. I didn’t realize the fight I was in until the day I became a foster dad, and now an adoptive dad. Foster kids have lost their family. They have lost their mom and their dad. Think about when you were young. Remember how much you looked to your mom and dad for everything? Yeah, these kids don’t have that. But they do have you. And you will have to be persistent. You will need to be their fiercest advocate. When they need to see their biological family, you will persist to make sure it happens. When they need to see a doctor, and no one can find their medical records, you will persist to make it happen. When the courts say something, or are looking to make a decision you know is not right, you will stand up and persist to make sure these kids are well represented.

I hope my words help. I can tell you, everything I write here are things I have lived through. I cannot tell you that being a foster and adoptive parent is easy. But I shudder to think what would have happened if I had not answered the call. Where would my kids be today? I can thank God that I don’t have to answer that question.  

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When my wife and I made the decision to be foster parents, there were obviously lots of questions. One of those questions was how to deal with the possibility that the children we bring into our home would look nothing like us. There was no way we were going to say no to a child in need based on race, gender, or ethnicity. So, we had to come to grips with parenting children who would most likely have different customs and traits. We would also have to deal with the obvious questions and inquiries, sometimes from complete strangers, that would surely come our way.

My wife and I are white. Our adopted daughters are black. We quickly realized there was no one handbook on interracial fostering or adopting. Yes, there are quite a few books and resources on the subject, but much of this we just had to handle on our own. Along the way, we learned a few things. Hopefully, our experiences can help you in this journey.

People will stare.

It will happen. You will walk into a restaurant or a party, and will feel like all eyes are on you. At first, it will be difficult on you. You may feel uncomfortable or even angry. My advice is to just relax. Most people stare not for malicious reasons, but just because they are curious. I can tell you that today, three years after we brought our daughters homes, I hardly even notice it anymore. If someone is staring too much, try this. Stare back! After a moment, smile and say, “I’m sorry have we met before?” Most people will feel ashamed and either look away, or just say hello and start a conversation.

You will need to learn about another culture.

There are things you will just have to learn. For example, our girls’ hair is much different than ours. So, at first, we had no idea how to deal with it. Over time, my wife became more and more adept at washing and braiding their hair. This is just one example. It is very important for your foster kids to feel like they are normal. So, work on making sure they don’t lose the customs they are used to.

Racism exists.

This is a difficult subject, and I will try to avoid any controversial points here. But just know that although our country has come very far in eliminating the prejudices of the past, there are still those that just don’t get it. You may be looked down upon by those who don’t agree that races should mix. You will need to be strong, and know when to stand your ground at times. But you will also have to know when to use this as an opportunity to educate. Remember that racism, in many cases, is a product of ignorance, and we can be a positive example to the rest of our community. 

You may encounter resentment from the biological family because of your race.

Understand that there is probably a lot going on in the bio family to cause a removal. Add to that knowing their children are being taken care of by a family that is not like their own. You may or may not have direct contact with the bio family, but this could make it more difficult to deal with getting information you need to help parent the children. You will need to be patient. The bio family needs to understand you are not the enemy here. You are here to help these children heal. Anything you can do to communicate this would be a good thing.

We have learned a lot in the time our daughters have been with us. Much of what we learned has caused us to make changes in our own thinking. For one, it has caused me to look at our world a little differently. There are things I now understand about the African American race I did not understand before. I also tend to give people the benefit of the doubt more. When I walk into a public place with my family and people stare, I am no longer upset. In fact, sometimes I chuckle inside. I know the family I have is something special. I know our place in the world is to educate, and I hope to show my girls that our diversity is something to be proud of, so that they can be a shining light in our society for years to come.

Being a foster parent is not an easy task. But boy is it ever an important one. Don’t let issues of race stop you. I would not have changed one moment of the last three years. There is a child waiting right now for a loving home to call their own.

Will yours be the next forever home?

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Awkward!

That is my first thought whenever I hear that question. The answer to the question is–well–yes and no. No, we do not receive a salary. We are not employees, and foster parents are not profiting from taking in foster children. To any would be foster parents, I can tell you that you should strike that thinking from your mind before you begin.

However, the reality is that most foster parents, depending on the state you live in, do receive monetary support. Many people outside of foster care may not realize a few things, so I will try to explain. Children who are removed from their homes, whether they go to a foster home or a group home of some kind, are legally considered wards of the state. That means, among other things, that the state is required to provide the support these children need. Placing these children in a foster home does not alleviate the state’s responsibility for care, so the state will normally provide what is called a stipend to the foster family to help with the cost of providing their daily needs.

So, what is included in this support? Every state is different. However, below are some points to consider with regards to stipends and support for foster parents:

•        A monthly stipend is intended to help feed, clothe, and otherwise support your foster child. This amount usually is not enough to cover all expenses, but is there to help.
•        Children with special needs or who require special medical attention can qualify for a higher stipend. This is to assist with travel expenses to the doctor, time away from work, and other issues related to their care.
•        Some states also offer back to school stipends, which is an extra amount given to the foster parents to purchase clothes and school supplies.
•        If you are connected to a private foster care agency, they may also provide some assistance. In many cases, it is not monetary but rather donations or gifts to help with your child’s care.
•        Foster parents are usually required to provide proof of income, and must be able to provide care for the foster care child without the assistance of the stipend if necessary.

So, I know what you are thinking and are afraid to ask, so I will address it now. What stops foster parents from taking in a bunch of children, pocketing the stipend and not using it on the children? Well, keep in mind that caseworkers are required to visit the children on a regular basis. Their job is to make sure the children are in a loving environment and are being cared for. In addition, many children are assigned a Guardian ad litem. Their job is to be the child’s voice to the court. So, they must also visit the child and report to the court on the child’s welfare.

So now that that’s out of the way, let’s be real. My wife and I met many foster parents in our journey. I never met a foster parent who looked at the stipend as a salary or a way to profit. The journey of a foster parent is unlike any other type of parent. Not only do we provide a loving home for one or more children, we are also their voice in the foster care system. This system includes health professionals, case workers, biological parents, judges, attorneys, and more. We go to judicial hearings. We go to parental visits. We go to doctor’s visits. The parking, gas, and wear and tear to our cars alone eats up more than most stipends. Add to that the vacation time from work and you can see how easily the expenses add up.

Am I complaining? Of course not! I can tell you that the day we met our children, we were forever in love with them. We knew that no matter what the cost, what the sacrifice, we would fight for them as much and as long as they needed. In the weeks and months to come, we knew that whether they were re-united with their biological family, or stayed with us, nothing would stop us from taking advantage of every day we had with them. And surely, money was not going to stop us.

So I have a question for you. Now you know the answer to that awkward question. How will you respond? Will you open your heart and home to a child in need?

I hope so.

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